should everyone be selfish?

a lot has happened these pass two years and there are more to come. i know everyone is selfish and they have reasons to. sometimes, i wish i could be more selfish, but it would be hard. i just don't like the idea of letting people down. all my life, i remember i have only said no the one time and the response i got was "i am disappointed." i replied back with "i am disappointed too." i am sure my meaning of disappointment and the person who said it, has different meanings.

lately, i have been asked to do something i am not willing to, but because of many years of friendship, i couldn't say no. yet, that person knows that i am not willing to, but still that person made me do it. i really do think that this person is stubborn, a liar and a extremely selfish person. i already know this person too well and i know no matter what i say, i can't change this person's mind. i am only pissed that this person is not willing to help the situation, but to make matter worst by choosing the wrong way to deal with stuff. i really do believe this person is not willing to and not like this person said, she/he cannot help it. i really do think this person can manage the situation better to solve all the conflict that has happened.

i really wanted to make things better and i was willng to try my hardest to help solve a problem we are going through. i am tired of explaining over and over again what the problem was, but this person just doesn't seems to understand. i really do think this person is affected by someone. someone that this person doesn't know that well, but because that person will be his/her future, this person only listens to that person and no one else. this person has been brain washed. or maybe that is how this person is from the very beginning and that i was just kidding myself to believe this person is not how they are now. i felt like i have to watch what i say because a group of us, i am stuck in the middle. one person tells me this and i can't tell the other people. i am keeping too many secrets and i know too much. i know if i said anything to someone else, it will just cost matter worst then it is now. i am disappointed in everyone. what a mess!

wired changes

tell me if there is nothing wrong with this story. a few years ago, there were this group of friends, 3 girls and a guy. me being one of the girls in the group and not noticing anything at the time, now to think about it, it was wired. let's name these two girls z and x and the girlfriend y. y was going out with the guy at the time. about 2 years after they have been together, the guy cheated on her with another girl. another girl outside our group, but there were someone wired when y and this guy were going out.  after the break-up, y had told me that she ran into the guy and x at some place. she found it wired that they would still be hanging out. although, x had informed y that the guy called her to hang out and she did, it just feels wired. y told me that when she was going out with the guy, z told y that she felt the guy was treating x more like a girlfriend then y was. to think of it, i noticed that too, but i didn't think too much of it. a little more then half a year that the couple had broken up, x was taking a trip and for some reason, the guy had tagged along on the trip. we know nothing happened because x is not the type of girl that would sleep around because she had never or at least we know of, never had dated in her life. x did inform y that the guy tagged along on the trip. they have been hanging out ever since. just before christmas, x went on a trip again and the guy again, tagged along.

let me explain something to make things more clear. x is a very picky girl and that is why she have never dated in her life. x once told us that she would only date a guy at least knowing the guy as friends first and know him better before she will consider dating a guy. she will never date someone who is a cheater. this is why we believe she and this guy will have nothing going on, but as friends. as for the guy, if a guy knew that he had a back record in the past and the girl that he like knows about it, he will never show his feelings to the girl. so we believe they will never pass the friends stage and yet, something in between is going on. the question is, does x know that this guy has feelings for her? if so, why did she not know that it's bothering y? even though, y said she had moved on and it's not her business who he is with, i know she has hard feelings. y told me that she ran into them again a few nights ago. they all said hi and walked away. i am seriously wondering if x is stupid or she is just acting like there is nothing going on.

as for y, as we were having ther conversations, i found that she had lied to me. not once, not twice, but many many times. i gave her a chance and trying to let her know that i noticed it that she lied, but she just continue on lying to me. i knew our group of friendship had already broken up after the couple had broken up. things had changed and it's just sad to see this group of friends go their separate ways. this group had became of a one big lying group of people. i am the only one who is seeing things from the outside circle and seeing clearly what is going on. i am the only one who is still being true and stayed the same as other people had changed.

What is friendship?

It has been 18 years since I know this what so call friend of mine. After knowing someone that long, I thought I would already know how this friend is and I do. It has been disappointment after disappointment. I think I know how she is, but yet, everything little things happened I get so pissed off. I really hated when she calls me out because she has nothing else to do and no one else will go out. Stupid of me that every time she calls, I went hanging out with her. We used to hang out every weekend, but lately, we haven’t. It’s been a whole month or maybe more then that, I really can’t remember. Just 6 months ago, she met this guy online and finally introduced me and this other friend of ours to her what she calls boyfriend. We disliked him. He is just about the talk and a show-off, but whatever. As long as she’s happy with this guy, us being friends can’t stop her. After a few months of dating, they were talking about marriage. We were shocked of how quickly things turned out. That guy did not even propose to her, no engagement ring, nothing. He talked to her parents about their wedding stuff and I think both sides of the parents met and that’s pretty much it. Actually, she was shopping around, getting a bargain deal for her engagement ring. Maybe I am old fashion, but I still think that a girl should be shop around, bargaining for her own engagement ring. This shows me that this guy have no effect of proposing to my friend and that this is just a show that he wanted to put on to show his parents that he is getting marry and will have grandchildren for them.

She said to that I will be her maid of honor, which I really don’t want to be because I wouldn’t know what to say in a speech at her wedding. She chose me not because she thinks of me as her best friend, but because two other closer friends has been maid of honor two times and they don’t want to do it any more.

17+ friendship on the line

I don't know what is going on. At first, I was it was me with the problem. After, I found out it wasn't me. It was between two other friends. We have been friends for 17+ years and I just don't want it to finish like that because of something or someone stupid. I mean, after 17 years, we know pretty well how each of us are. I believe we have already expected each other for being who we are, but that is not really the case or was it just a big misunderstanding? Once again, I am stuck in the middle and I really don't know what to do. It's been a month since and I am getting really bored because we can no longer stand being with each other as a group. First, it was the four of us. Now, there are only two and I don't even know which two of us. I just wish things would go back to when we were just talking b.s. and laughing our heads off for no reason. Oh ya! There is still a chance that they can get together again. BSB concert. They got tickets to that and they will have to go together because they did not include me and there were only two tickets. We will see if anything changes after that.

As for my job seaching is going, it's going nowhere. I tried different jobs, but it's just not what I am looking for. Once again, people from my old job told me to apply at head office. Which I thought it would not be a good idea since I got screwed-over last time. Well, I fell for it again. I applied and it's not pretty. I think my f-ing boss is doing something behind my back again. I can never win as long as I am with that company. I need to wake-up and realize that I should never turn back. Oh well, I guess I'll keep looking. I am getting really bored doing nothing. I promise I will never go back to that hell hole. I am done! Even if I find something in the same field, I will never go back. I really do hate work politics. It sucks!

Most of my friends said it's harder to find a good boss then to find a good husband. I am starting to believe that is true. When you do find a good boss, they always leaves sooner then the bad ones. Why? Why can the good ones stay forever and the bad ones just die off.

proud to have you

Somehow, I felt like I have wasted 8 years being in that hell circle. First few years were sweet, but the last 3 years was hell. Besides knowing and having friends who spoiled me, I felt I’ve gained nothing but unfaithfulness. It really bought tears to my eyes to have friends like them. I am proud to have them as my friends. That includes everyone on my list. Friends who bought me entertainments and friends who don't mind me making entertainments from. It was them who taught me how to say, “I love you” and how to hug. I am touched and that is why I still keep in touch with most of them. They have always watched my back. I am also thankful for my parents for letting me be childish at times. And now, it’s time to draw another circle. In a way, I will still be a part of that hell circle. It’s just I am standing outside of the circle looking in.